$INTERN

▮

Duties: coffee, copies, hope — Salary: pending

Years unpaid

Official TGE countdown

--D --:--:--

“pretty much locked in” — HR

𝕏 @UnpaidSince87 CLOCK IN →

RHC · INTERN/STONKBROKER · bonding curve pending · est. OCT 19, 1987

┌─[ SECTION 01 — PERSONNEL ]

THE STORY

Retrieved from a filing cabinet nobody has opened since the Reagan administration.

HUMAN RESOURCES — CONFIDENTIAL EMPLOYEE RECORD

VISITOR

(badge never upgraded)

Employee №: #4,444½
Hired: OCT 19, 1987 — Black Monday. Great first day, kid.
Position: Intern (39 consecutive years)
Reports to: 4,444 brokers, simultaneously
Duties: Coffee. Copies. Hope.
Salary: PENDING ▮
Performance review: “Great work kid, we'll talk about compensation next quarter.” ×… quarters
Promotion track: Under review since 1987 (checked quarterly, allegedly)

He walked onto the trading floor on the worst day in market history, was handed a coffee pot, and told to “stick around, we'll sort out the paperwork.” The paperwork is still being sorted. The brokers became 4,444 pixelated legends. The intern became… still the intern. He has seen every crash, every rally, every ponzi, and every holiday party he wasn't invited to. He no longer wants a promotion. He wants what is owed. $INTERN is his back pay.

┌─[ SECTION 02 — COMPENSATION (FINALLY) ]

THE PAYROLL MACHINE

The machine that should have existed since 1987.

LIVE AT TGE

1. CLOCK IN

Punch the clock with your $INTERN. Your shift starts. HR is thrilled (HR is a machine).

2. EARN SENIORITY

Stay clocked in and climb the ladder: Intern → Junior Analyst → Analyst → Associate → VP in 30 days. Seniority boosts your payday weight up to 3.33× — same tier ladder as the brokers upstairs.

3. CLAIM PAYDAY

Cash your paycheck: marketing program rewards, accrued while you hold the line. 39 years late, but who's counting.

INSPECT THE MACHINE →

Goes live at TGE. The preview is open — walk around, touch nothing.

┌─[ SECTION 03 — MORALE ]

THE COFFEE POT

Every 3 hours, one lucky employee grabs the whole coffee fund — fed by 40% of every trade's creator fee. Hold 0.1% of supply to play.

LIVE AT TGE

COFFEE POT CAM — DEMO FEED (REAL POT AT TGE)

Current coffee fund

— $INTERN

Next coffee run in --:--:--

ENTER →

┌─[ SECTION 04 — ACCOUNTING ]

PAYROLL-NOMICS

His first pay stub in 39 years. It's the token's, but let him have this.

STONKBROKERS & CO. — PAYROLL DEPT.EST. 1987

EMPLOYEE: THE INTERN #4,444½PERIOD: 1987 — PRESENT

GROSS SUPPLY	1,000,000,000 $INTERN
DEDUCTIONS — LP (LOCKED)	TBA %
DEDUCTIONS — COFFEE FUND	TBA %
TEAM WITHHOLDING	0 %
NET TO COMMUNITY	TBA %

* deductions — lp (locked): locked at launch

* deductions — coffee fund: feeds the Coffee Pot

* team withholding: the intern is unpaid. obviously.

* net to community: fair launch on Stonk Launcher

THIS IS NOT A CHECK. (he knows.)VOID VOID VOID

Final numbers locked at launch and published here and on X. Fair launch via Stonk Launcher bonding curve — no presale, no team allocation.

┌─[ SECTION 05 — TREASURY ]

PAYCHECK ROUTING

After 39 years, the intern finally draws a paycheck: the creator fee on every $INTERN trade. He routes all of it straight back to the office.

DIRECT DEPOSIT INSTRUCTIONS — SIGNED, THE INTERN

COFFEE FUND40%
streams into the Coffee Pot — more trading, bigger jackpots
PAYROLL VAULT35%
the staking pool, split by stake × grade weight
THE SHREDDER15%
buyback & burn — compromising documents destroyed quarterly
OFFICE SUPPLIES10%
marketing, listings, artists, actual coffee

Fee source: Stonk Launcher — every bonding-curve trade pays the launcher fee (a slice also feeds the launcher's own Opening Bell buyback bar), and after graduation the Uniswap V3 pool keeps paying swap fees to the fee splitter, forever. Splits shown are the creator share and fund the marketing program — final numbers published at TGE.

┌─[ SECTION 06 — ONBOARDING ]

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

How to buy. Please read before your first shift. Nobody reads it. Read it.

GET ETH ON ROBINHOOD CHAIN

Bridge ETH to Robinhood Chain (chain ID 4663). [ BRIDGE → ] Your wallet will offer to add the network when you connect here.

REPORT TO STONK LAUNCHER

Open [ STONK LAUNCHER → ] and find $INTERN. Verify the CA against the one in our footer. If it's not posted there, it's not us.

SWAP. WELCOME ABOARD.

Swap ETH for $INTERN on the bonding curve. Congratulations on your unpaid position. Coffee machine is down the hall. You'll fit right in.